Cameron and Obama: Most realistic transcript of meeting

Cameron: Hey Barry. Good to see you again.

Obama/Soetero: Good to see you too Dave. We gotta talk.

Cameron: Yeah. I know. I've got a staged table tennis game with some brats planned for the media. I'm getting good at this. The one I played at Oxford was for you Barry. I suckered them with the black card thing. Do I get my war in Libya now?

Obama: Dave, Dave, please. Keep it down, will you. And stop calling me Barry. Someone might overhear you....

Cameron: Okay Barak. Sorry bout that old chap. But, do I get my war in Libya now. I've been waiting for so long for this?

Obama: Dave. Mr Rothschild and Mr Rockefeller have been concerned about your over enthusiasm becoming too exposed and letting the cat outta the bag........ 

Cameron: Yeah, but I'm keen to tackle these poor, sick and disabled whinging spongers by getting rid of the scum once and for all. They contribute nothing to our profits, so why have them around? Why can't we just kill them all, and be done with it........?

Obama: I'm referring to the Africa situation Dave. Now, calm down. That plan is already underway, and seems to be going quite well. You know that we have to do these things gradually so they don't notice it.

Cameron: Yeah. I know, I know. You're right of course. The boiling frog thing, where I slowly, and happily strangle the NHS and make it private, so the peasants can't afford health care. But, the protests problem. I've taken care of that, so we don't want a repeat of the Iraq thing. Make the scum so desperate that they can't protest. I think I've managed to strangle that peasants revolt at birth.

Obama: Yes Dave. I'm gonna have to interrupt you again. That's why now is the time for war in Libya. While the folks are too distracted and pre-occupied with our recession, you can have your war now. But, Dave. You gotta hold onto those reigns a bit. You risk exposure.

Cameron: Hmm! Exposure? Can you elaborate Barry?

Obama: Dave, please.....

Cameron: Oh! I'm terribly sorry old chap. Terribly sorry "Barak". Please. Do go on?

Obama: Its becoming too obvious that these media jaunts around the UK with your pet in tow. Emmm!! What's his name again?

Cameron: You mean, Clegg?

Obama: Yeah. That's the guy. Anyway. It's a bit too obvious that it's all stage managed, just like that table tennis gig with those kids. I mean. What was that all about? I was embarrassed Dave.

Cameron: I thought it went quite well actually......

Obama: Please. Let me finish. Your acting is atrocious. In front of the camera, you refer to Gadaffi "slaughtering" civilians way too often. People will pick up on this if we fail to manipulate the media on time to distract them from noticing. So, cut down on the soundbites. I don't know what your media guy is advising you, but you need to get back in line.

Cameron: But Barak.....

Obama: Quiet Dave. Hear me out. You need to listen. It's me you're talking to now, not those fools you put on the act for. After our hidden sanctions hit Egypt, and the folks came onto the streets, you went straight in there with the arms deal. What were you thinking of?

Cameron: Well, I thought that if we used our Al-Qaeda assets to stage a rebellion, we could kill as many as possible and blame it on the Egyptian leader. 

Obama: Enough already. Let's get this straight. Al-Qaeda is "our" asset. They're CIA, along with those foreign mercenaries. You drew attention to that by sending in those MI5 and SAS goons to Libya way too early. You nearly fucked up the whole plan, and we had to hold off as a result.

Cameron: But, Barak. We need to get our hands on that oil and all their other natural resources. Gadaffi is only one of the few remaining to have their own National Bank and currency.

Obama: Yeah Dave. We put him there, along with all the others, remember! And, don't forget Iran in 1953 and the rest ever since.

Cameron: I get that Barak. But the sooner we establish an African Union and Central Bank, the quicker we'll have the One World Government.

Obama: Yeah. And, your impatience and arrogance is drawing attention to that.

Cameron: Mr President. I can assure you, the British people are too dumb to know what's really going on.

Obama: Is that so? Not so long ago, you were having trouble keeping your own house in order. That Foreign Secretary of yours, Bill Hague. He was starting to show signs of discomfort in his job.

Cameron: Yes, well. We've sorted that now. 

Obama: Only because Sir Evelyn's boys at MI5 cooked up that story about him sharing a hotel room with a male aid as a warning. Think yourself lucky Mr Rothschild let that one slide Dave. Remember what happened when your pal Tony Blair let that guy Robin Cook run off at the mouth about our boys silencing that Doc Kelly and Al-Qaeda being CIA.

Cameron: Yes, well. If they whack Hague too, I have no problem with them putting in one of their own to replace him.

Obama: You're too reckless Dave. Now, we've been instructed to bring our plans forward for Libya. You've got what you wanted. We've wheeled out general Ratko Mladic for the media. It'll make our operations in Libya easier if we can equate Gadaffi with him.

Cameron: I'm only doing what was discussed at the Bilderberg meeting Barak.

Obama: So am I. I'm working from the same timetable as Bush, just as you are from Blair, remember. You can't risk upsetting them by doing it at your own pace Dave. We know how much they despise and detest anyone with even the slightest bleeding heart and what they do to them. You know you don't have to impress them.

Cameron: Yeah. Morals and ethics. They're as burdensome as a bag of fucking bricks, Barak. The sooner we're sitting at the top, we can dispense with all that nonsense.

Obama: It's not all bad David. You did somehow manage to impose a radical sense of apathy and compassion fatigue pretty quick. Good work after being in office for only one year.

Cameron: Yeah. Sir Evelyn did compliment me for that at the palace.

Obama: That's why I know you'll enjoy our invitation to join us at the Bohemian Grove in a few weeks. You'll love the Cremation of Care Ceremony.